“Telling me I don’t look my age is not a compliment”

This is a post by a lady on fetlife, and my answer to it.

sweet-reverie (30F babygirl Antarctica)
April 18, 2019
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Telling me I don’t look my age is not a compliment [repost]

I want to address some comments I received that were meant as compliments. Those along the lines of “you don’t look [30]!” or “your ass doesn’t look a day over 18” and such things. I realize these are meant as flattery and lines like these are often told to women who are not 19 by people who find them attractive, but let me tell you right now, these are not kind compliments. They are backhanded, offensive, and cruel.

When you compliment a woman by saying she looks younger than she is, what you are actually saying is that women of a certain age are not viewed as attractive/desirable/fuckable/enticing/(insert word here) and since the woman you are giving your “compliment” to is any or all of these things, then she is somehow removed from other women who ALL fall into the unwanted category because of the number of years they have spent on this planet. You are saying she should feel special because her age does not detract from her desirability. Seriously?! What does that say about how we feel about women and aging? The compliment implies that we as an entire society think there is something wrong with older women.

I get it, we are a youth obsessed culture, for numerous reasons. And hello, I myself am a little, so conveying the appearance of youth is appealing to me. But I am [30], and that freaking rocks! I totally have enough life experience to like take care of myself and pay bills and discuss global issues and stuffs. Super! I am also healthier now than I was at 19, physically and mentally because I have a greater understanding and more experience on how to best take care of myself.

I am so incredibly excited [to be in my 30s]. And I am so not flattered when you tell me I look 19. You are wrong, I look [30] because spoiler alert

I am [30].

this is a repost of a writing I wrote a just over a year ago

My answer:

Okeanos
April 19, 2019

Hi! A friend of mine loved this post, so I stopped by to read it. If you don’t mind me saying, I do not agree with you. At the risk of repeating what may have already been stated in the comments above, the following statement:

When you compliment a woman by saying she looks younger than she is, what you are actually saying is that women of a certain age are not viewed as attractive/desirable/fuckable/enticing/(insert word here)…

This is a non-sequitur at multiple levels.

When you give someone a compliment for their young looks, you are doing just that, you are not “actually saying” anything else, really. But if you must try and theorize about what could be conceivably implied by such a compliment, then that could only be the acknowledgement of the overwhelmingly accepted fact that younger looks are better than older looks.

It is a non-sequitur to associate the compliment with womanhood in particular, because everyone hates getting older and looking older, not just women.

It is also a non-sequitur to associate the compliment with the offerer’s sexual interests in you. A sexually incompatible person could also make such a compliment to you, exclusively in order to make you feel better, acknowledging that you would probably like to hear that, because everyone likes to hear that. You don’t? That makes you a trifling exception to a (practically) universal rule, so you cannot blame someone for not having guessed that.

The wish to stop time and look young is one of the most broadly held social norms, and it is a perfectly benign one. (Because not all of them are.) It is not wise to blame an unsuspecting person for making a compliment that is in perfect alignment with social norm, let alone call such a compliment “backhanded, offensive, and cruel.” That’s completely bonkers.

Moreover, this new age trend of pointing at behavior that has up until now been seen as perfectly normal and labeling it as offensive or otherwise “non-politically correct” using some pretty bizarre mental acrobatics is completely bonkers on a grand scale. All these (predominantly youngsters) are under the impression that they are re-inventing the world, while what they are in fact doing is engaging in pointless bickering, and trying to form their stupid little in-groups that differentiate them from the out-group based on “this world is sooo hurting me” nonsense.

The world needs changing in many ways, this definitely is not one of them.

The “BDSM Greece” group on fetlife

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Since about the middle of 2018 I have been the owner of the “BDSM Greece” group, which is by far the largest fetlife group for kinksters that either speak Greek or live in Greece. When you see that, you might think “wow, this guy must be some kind of sacred BDSM legend” or something. Actually, I am not. Here is a bit of history.

The group was initially created many years ago, at a time when fetlife was not yet particularly popular among Greeks, by someone whom we do not even remember anymore. (If someone knows who the original creator was, please do tell.)

At some point that person decided to leave fetlife; they made Stangelover the owner of the group, deleted their own account, and disappeared. For many years Strangelover was running this group together with her partner, Vincula.

As the years were passing, more and more Greeks started using fetlife, mainly repelled from the various local forums due to incidents of drama, and every newcomer to fetlife would of course join this group. As the size of the group grew larger, the need to recruit moderators was identified. The three of us knew each other and respected each other, so they chose me. I should mention that I considered that to be a privilege.

In the beginning things were easy: for a person from Greece to prefer spending time on fetlife rather than on the Greek forums, it generally meant that they had some exposure to the great world outside that little bubble called Greece, so the users were in a sense la Crème de la Crème of the Greek fetish community. The discussions were all very nice and civil, so my moderation duties were mostly limited to removing accidentally duplicate posts.

As more and more users kept joining, so did the average quality of the users decrease. Slowly but surely, in came the trolls, and the maladjusted folks, and the drama queens. The need for moderation increased, so more moderators were recruited, but the drama is strong with the Greeks, (pun intended,) and the situation was certainly not helped at all by the fact that everyone in the moderation team was ideologically in favor of minimal intervention and extreme tolerance.

So, as the drama kept building up, at some point Strangelover decided that she got sick and tired of it all, and quit the group, making Vincula the new owner. Vincula brought a few more people into the moderator team.

As the years kept passing, the influx of users reached a critical point which triggered a snowball effect: people would start joining not because they had a problem with the Greek forums, but because many of their friends were on fetlife. Of course, that did not cause the incidents of drama to decrease in frequency and intensity, they only grew stronger. People were behaving in a very juvenile fashion, and accusing the moderation team of mismanagement for various entirely fictitious reasons. I was not particularly active, so nobody accused me of anything, (or if someone did, then I missed it, sorry, not sorry!) but the rest of the team was offended by the accusations and disturbed by the toxicity of the environment around them.

So, sensitive folk as they all are, they decided all together to step down, and after a brief deliberation Vincula made me the new owner of the group. I should say that I feel quite privileged to be trusted with this role.

I proceeded to announce a call for new moderators, a small handful of people indicated interest, (presumably because by that time the job seemed too dirty for most people’s taste,) and a new moderation team was quickly formed. I created a space where the members of the moderation team can communicate in private, and I resumed my previous role, of being mostly a non-participant in the group’s affairs.

I have told the previous owners of the group that any time they want, they can have the group back, so in essence, the group is simply “parked” with me.

Currently, the decisions of the moderation team are usually made with simple informal voting, my vote does not count more than anyone else’s, and I am usually slow to respond to calls for vote, so the moderators usually cast their votes before me, which means that their opinions are unaffected by mine. Besides that, they usually vote in such a uniform way that my dissenting vote would not change the outcome. I maintain my ideology of minimal intervention and extreme tolerance, so some of the decisions of the moderation team would have been different if it had been exclusively my call, but it never is. And that’s fine.

---

This text is work in progress. If you can see something that needs improvement, feel free to post a comment or PM me.

On (Public) Munches (in English)

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Summary

If you are considering attending a public munch for the first time, but you are hesitant because it seems like a big decision to you, then you might want to read this entire wall of text from beginning to end; it should alleviate your concerns. However, if you are the TL;DR type, let me summarize it for you:

Just do it. A munch is just a plain vanilla gathering. It could just as well be a meeting of the local knitting society. There is no leap to take in attending a munch, any more than in attending a yoga class.

But if you cannot just take my word for it, then you might want to continue reading.

Foreword

If you have never been at a public munch, you may be wondering how it is like in such an event, and debating whether you should attend one or not. I often see people talking about the possibility of going to a amunch for the first time as if it is a big deal for them. I even saw a newcomer once who brought their best vanilla friend along, to feel more safe. (By the way, kudos to that vanilla friend for doing this!)

The decision to attend a munch for the first time seems harder than the decision to attend non-kinkster events; this is BDSM that we are talking about; the people present are going to be kinksters; and as soon as you walk in through the door, everyone is going to know that you are a kinkster too. The idea of entering a place like that and mingling with that kind of crowd can seem overwhelming to many people. It sounds like the kind of stuff your mom warned you about. Chances are that you are not just considering whether you are going to enjoy it or not, but you are in fact worried that it might turn out to be a bad experience.

Spoiler: nothing could be further from the truth; but keep reading.

Expectations

The popular stereotypes of BDSMers do not help with easing your concerns as a newcomer, and aligning your expectations with reality: you imagine the dominants being cold, and distant in their supposed austerity, and the submissives elusive and unapproachable due to their supposedly shy nature. These descriptions might perhaps match a negligibly small percentage of the attendees, but you do not know that, and unfortunately the subject is such that it provides fertile ground for the imagination to go wild, so you continue making conjectures in the wrong direction.

You imagine people dressed in black leather and latex, who are either ignoring you because they are busy doing unspeakable things to each other, or, if they notice you at all, it is to do unspeakable things to you. You escape from them and hide behind some furniture, only to realize with terror that hands are reaching out through the cracks to touch you. You look around for the exit, but it has been sealed, and is not to be opened before the conclusion of the ceremonies. If you survive until then.

The Reality

Of course, if you pause for a moment and think what you are thinking, you realize the ridiculousness of the matter. Obviously, the nature of the munches could not be such as to repel the newcomers. Even the more advanced events, the “play parties” and what not, where “unspeakable” things do actually happen, are not foreboding to first-timers, let alone the munches, where nothing is happening out of the ordinary. Munches are held with the express purpose of allowing people to have a nice and relaxed social interaction without labels, without masks, and without practicing any actual deviant behavior, sexual or otherwise.

Attire

The kind of attire you see at munches has very little, if anything, to do with leather and latex; the dress code is always strictly vanilla, you can check that in the posted rules of the event. Public munches take place in public establishments like bars and pubs, which have a reputation to mind after, so they require the vanilla dress code; moreover, kinkster communities are aware of the need to hold events where everyone, including newcomers, can feel completely at ease, so the vanilla dress code is mandated by the organizers of the munches on top of being required by the establishments.

Of course, there are some exceptions; some folks would go even to the super market in a head-turning outfit, and they do show up like that in munches every once in a while, so you might on occasion see a head-turner. However, they are rare, and they tend to stand out in munches almost as much as they stand out in super markets.

Disposition

The kinksters at munches tend to be neither cold, nor distant, nor austere, nor elusive, nor unapproachable, nor shy; for the most part, they are normal people, as open and talkative as people generally are in social settings. Furthermore, there is virtually nothing in their behavior that betrays the fact that they are kinksters, let alone their particular disposition in kink, or even their sexuality. You can hardly tell who is dominant and who is submissive, who is straight and who is homosexual, who has a diaper fetish and who is the vanilla friend who got dragged along, unless you participate in their conversations, and even then you may not necessarily find out, because the conversation can very well have nothing to do with kink, and instead be about ordinary things like travel experiences, or buying a house, or the latest developments in nanotechnology.

Nobody is going to ignore you, or show any more interest in your person than you would be comfortable with, at least not any more than is likely to happen in a completely vanilla environment. As a matter of fact, I think that in munches people tend to be even a bit more considerate and courteous towards each other than in other settings, as if there is a shared common appreciation of the subtle distinctiveness of the situation. So, nobody will touch you or even get “too close for comfort” to you. It is quite possible that nobody will even talk to you if you appear reserved or give the slightest indication that you would rather be left alone. But that’s not what you go to a munch for, is it?

One thing worth mentioning is that in munches, the “you cannot talk to me unless you first ask for permission from my master” nonsense does not exist. If a couple happens to have such an arrangement, and they nonetheless decide to both show up in a munch, it is entirely their problem how they are going to work it out; nobody else has the slightest obligation to be careful with whom they address, and nobody deserves to be made to feel bad for inadvertently violating the rules of some other people’s secret game. In general, there are no unwritten rules that you need to be mindful of.

Acceptance

People at munches tend to be unconditionally accepting towards each other, irrespective of each other’s sexual orientation or particular kind of kink. Certain other kinds of events that have a more hardcore theme might be somewhat segregated, so you might hear of play events that are Mf, or Fm, or queer oriented, and this is generally done for practical reasons, but specifically in munches, none of that matters, because people come simply to socialize, so all kinds of folks tend to show up, representing all kinds of kinks and persuasions.

Of course I cannot guarantee that there will never be an individual who might express prejudice against someone due to their life choices or their nature, but what I can tell you is that kinkster communities and especially munch-going kinksters tend to vehemently oppose such behavior, so they tend to isolate and ostracize such individuals fairly quickly. Therefore, the chances of witnessing any callous behavior like that are very slim.

People’s kinks are not written on their forehead, so generally speaking, nobody will know your particular kind of kink by just looking at you, no matter how much of an open book you think you are. Also, most chances are that you will not even be asked what your kink is. But even if you decide to make your kinks known, this is the beautiful thing about being in the company of kinksters: Nobody will bat an eye. Nobody will assume anything about you because of your kink, or be the slightest bit judgmental. Most importantly, nobody will feel entitled to you because you place yourself at the submissive end of the power exchange spectrum, or feel humbled by you because you place yourself at the dominant end of it. It will be a casual “hi, nice to meet you” either way.

Having someone standing in front of you in flesh and blood, looking at you in the eyes, and voicing spoken words to you, helps a great deal in perceiving them as an actual human being instead of as an impersonal nickname with a kink label, or as a bunch of fap-worthy photos. So, in munches there is nothing that even remotely hints at this pestilence of messages that are unfortunately seen all too often online, arriving out of the blue and containing absurd demands and lewd propositions. (Also, I like to believe that the kind of people who send these messages are not the kind of people who show up at munches, but of course I don’t really know.)

Demographics

Most of the kinksters who show up in munches are single, while a sizable percentage of them come as couples. However, even the couples come in order to mingle and socialize rather than to spend time exclusively with each other.

The composition of munches somewhat reflects the composition of the online kinky population, with one notable exception: even though males far outnumber females online, things tend to be more balanced in this regard in munches. In some regions males and females tend to show up in roughly equal numbers, while folks of indeterminate gender represent an appreciable minority. In other regions there are fewer women and even fewer gender-fluid folks. I suppose that the higher your country is in the Human Development Index, the more diverse and balanced things will be. (Wikipedia – Human Development Index)

As for the kinks, I cannot claim that I know of any authoritative statistics, and I am sure that percentages will vary from region to region, but in the munches that I have been to, I formed the impression that the largest proportion was submissives, followed by dominants, (though the difference in numbers among these two groups is not huge,) followed by switches.

Unfortunately, the kinks are not evenly and fairly distributed among the sexes: there tend to be disproportionately more male submissives than female dominants. If you are a male submissive, you can choose to view this in a negative way, as competition, or you can choose to view it in a positive way, as validation. The choice is yours.

The age of munch-going kinksters varies greatly; you will see people from their very early twenties all the way to their sixties. The higher end of the age spectrum tends to be under-represented, so the average age is well below the middle of that range. Also, I think that the average age among women tends to be noticeably lower than the average age among men. I do not have any statistics at hand, but in the munches that I have attended I think the average age of females must have been in the high twenties, while the average age of males must have been in the mid thirties. If the munch is taking place in a college town, the average age may be lower for both sexes. Older people are almost always present, but they tend to be few, so they do not bring the average age up by much.

Still hesitant?

If you find it easy to mingle with crowds and to get to know people, you should not need any more encouragement: come as you are, and you will do fine. If you are shy, or antisocial, or maybe a bit agoraphobic, or if there are any other circumstances that put you at a disadvantage, (for example, not speaking the language of the land,) you might need to follow some sort of strategy to make things easier on you.

One very easy thing you can do is contact the organizers beforehand and mention that you are going to be a newcomer and ask them for some initial help. They will almost certainly reply positively, unless your message writing skills are so poor that you manage to come across as rude. Once you arrive at the munch, go to them and tell them that you are so-and-so, (keeping in mind that you might not be the only newcomer who sent them such a message,) and they will introduce you to some people. This approach has a few disadvantages: 1. You are depending on the organizer being able to afford some time to you, which might be a tough call as they tend to be quite busy. 2. You are relying on the organizer’s skill at introducing people, which may not necessarily be great. (Organizers of munches are people too, with their own imperfections.) 3. You can only use this strategy once, or maybe a couple of times, after which you are on your own.

Another approach is to try to contact and befriend kinksters who appear to be socially active in the scene. To avoid the possibility of misunderstandings, you can try contacting a person with status and / or orientation that does not click with yours, for example if you are a straight guy you can try contacting another straight guy. Unfortunately, for many people this might be a step impossible to take, due to various reasons having to do with big egos, homophobia, fear of being mistaken for a homosexual, etc. The alternative approach is to contact someone with a status and / or orientation that clicks with yours. This might seem easier to attempt because it is more natural, but it may be harder to actually accomplish, because you will probably be thought of as looking for a date. In any case, once you manage to find someone who is willing to help you, consider the possibility that this person might not want to give the impression that you are “together”, so do not expect them to hold you by the hand all the time. Come to socialize with the rest of the attendees, not to go out with that one person.

Finally, there is of course the option of asking your best vanilla friend to come along with you for emotional support. This might actually be your best option if you have such a good friend. And keep in mind that vanilla folks are not as clueless about kink as we tend to imagine them to be, nor as judgmental about it as we tend to fear that they are.

Epilogue

Of course, all of the above are nothing but my own impressions, which may well be inaccurate, or just plain wrong, or only applicable to the munches that I happen to have attended, while munches in your area might be different. Please consider the above as nothing but observations from someone who is not an authority on the subject, and do not use them as a substitute for your own judgment.

Meta

(About this writing)

This text is an improved version of a text that I wrote many years ago for the Greek kinkster community. It has been further informed after I attended a few munches in The Netherlands.

The first version (in Greek) was posted in October of 2010 here: greekbdsmcommunity.com – Okeanos – Σχετικά με τις συναντήσεις (Registration required.) A second version of the Greek text was posted here on fetlife some years ago: fetlife.com – Okeanos – On munches (in Greek)

Suggestions for improving any aspect of this text, ranging from my use of English to the accuracy of the statements that I make, are not just welcome but highly appreciated. Criticism, either constructive or not-so-constructive, is welcome, too.

I have no idea whether someone has already written a text like this. (I did not do any research before writing it.) If you know of a text on the same subject, please post a link to it. If you would like to post a copy of this text somewhere else, go ahead and do so. A link back would be appreciated, but if that would prevent you from copying it, then go ahead and copy it without a link back.

On Sadism

Link to original content: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/5278268

I am pretty sure there exist many different types of sadism, so I cannot speak on behalf of sadists in general, I can only speak about the sadist in me, who is a rather moderate type of sadist, one who is probably not sadistic enough to satisfy the cravings of the more demanding masochists out there.

I explain all of my expressions of dominance (and deviant sexual behavior in general) as catering to the primordial beast which lies at the core of many men: the alpha ape male. From the point of view of genetics, humans and apes are very close, (“too close for comfort” one could say, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chimpanzee_genome_pro… ) so there is a lot to learn from them.

Take the modern educated, sophisticated, refined human being, and deconstruct them to their most basic constituents, and what you have is a blob of skin, flesh and bones that wants nothing but to eat and fuck so as to stay alive and procreate. Apes have complex social hierarchies where exercise of control, primarily in the form of social status but also often in the form of raw physical violence, plays a vital role in the distribution of food and mating rights. The alpha male asserts his dominance to secure food and sex; others, from the betas to the omegas, engage in acts of submission towards their superiors in the pecking order with the exact same goal: to secure food and sex. So, everything is inextricably associated with control. For primates in the state of nature, control is the name of the game.

Of course, we modern refined humans do not care so much for control in our everyday lives, but when it comes to sex, which is undeniably a celebration of a certain basic instinct, some of us have discovered that by involving more basic instincts in the act, we can double the pleasure. So, we like to mix sex with control. We call it bondage. They call us perverts.

Sadism, to me, is a heightened expression of control. There is nothing that says “I have control over you” better than “I inflict pain upon you, and you take it like the good little bitch that you are.”

You see, I may order you to do things, and you might obey, and in doing so I may feel like I have control, but this is a bit too analytical: it is only my highest levels of consciousness that feel like I am in control. That’s because any use of language is inescapably too cerebral.

On the other hand, pain is basic. When I hurt you and you are still submitting to me, then my inner core knows I am in control.

(That’s also why if I hurt you and you start screaming and kicking I am unlikely to find that erotic or in any way pleasant!)

I wrote this after coming across this post:
masochistic-girl – Oct 26, 2017 – How does Sadism in itself work?
https://fetlife.com/users/2337698/posts/4719777

On politics

Originally posted here: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/3190591

I am a freedom of speech extremist, meaning that I believe that it should be fine to even shout “fire!” in a crowded theater. This is something I can back up with arguments, ask me. (Actually, the question was asked, and I answered, and I posted the answer here: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/1839335)

Politically I am a leftist at heart, but it is complicated. I do believe in taxing the rich, but I also believe that the opportunity to become rich should be available to those who are up to it. (Just not by means of stepping on other people’s corpses!) I believe in welfare and social services, but I also believe in privatization and reduced government. (Just not minimal government, meaning not all the fucking way, as neoliberals would have it.) So, it is quite complicated. One thing though is very plain and simple: If you identify yourself as a conservative, then take my word for it: you suck! We need a better world, and we need it now, and in order to achieve this, things must not stay the same, things must change.

On countries

Originally posted here: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/3190585

I love Greece at about the mildest degree to which someone can love their own country. What this means is that I do indeed love Greece, but I am quick to voice my opposition to patriotism and the illusions of grandeur that it usually stems from. Your place of birth is purely a matter of chance, and it is pointless to be proud of a chance event. Yes, the nature here in Greece is beautiful, but what role did you play in this? The suggestion that your place of birth could conceivably matter in who you are inevitably calls upon the concept of race, so patriotism is inextricably racism. Would all racists please go fuck yourselves? Thank you.

The only kind of thing worth being proud of is accomplishments, of which modern Greeks have very little to show. On the contrary, modern Greeks are internationally either laughed at, despised, or pitied, (usually with good reasons in each case,) so to be proud of being Greek today indicates a rather severe disconnect from reality. I am also sick and tired of Greeks boasting about accomplishments of some largely different set of people who inhabited this land thousands of years ago, and I find it ludicrous that the average modern Greek, who identifies themselves as christian, dares to call upon the ancient civilization whenever it suits them, given that it was christianity which in fact wiped out almost every trace of the ancient civilization with extreme prejudice. Get a grip on reality, people!

I got my education in the USA. This has undeniably had some impact on my character and my worldviews, but you have no idea what that impact was, and your assumptions are, more likely than not, all wrong. I enjoy defending the USA when dealing with people who hate the USA, as much as I enjoy trashing the USA when dealing with people who love the USA, because they usually hate or love the USA for all the wrong reasons. (While, of course, I hate it or love it for all the right ones.)

One thing I can tell you is that if USAians vote Bernie just once, I might be willing to forgive them for having voted Bush thrice!

On luminous beings

Originally posted here: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/3190583

I have very little patience for spiritual mumbo jumbo. If you believe in anything supernatural, such as astrology, fairies, miracles, prophets, saviors, gods etc. then there is a distinct possibility that you might hear me telling you, in no uncertain terms, to go get a brain. If you also happen to be under the impression that my tax money ought to be subsidizing your delusion, then you should consider yourself lucky that insults are the worst that I can deliver to you via TCP/IP.

On writing

Originally posted here: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/3190581

I am a vehement opponent of the practice of writing greek using latin letters. It is known as “greeklish”, and I must be allergic to it.

It goes without saying that if you are into greeklish, then I would rather not see anything from you in my inbox, but it goes even a bit further than that: if I see you writing like this in public, there is a possibility that I might join the conversation only to ungrudgingly bestow my scorn upon you.

Yes, you have every right to write in whatever way you please, and I have every right to mock you. No, the insults that you received were not unprovoked; you see, your way of writing was an insult to me first!

My sentiments are similar towards all those who cannot write a sentence without a spelling mistake, and will not use a spelling checker: their wretched chatter constitutes pollution of the interwebz, and instead of using computers they ought to be milking goats.

On fetishism

Originally posted here: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/3190578

I believe that it is in the best interest of the fetish community to embrace all sexual orientations and all kinds of perversions. This means that the right approach for individuals (at least in a social context) is tolerance towards everything. The fact that your kink is not my kink does not in any way imply that your kink is superior to my kink. Being into any kind of kink and at the same time disapproving of some other kink is inherently pharisaic. Claims that there is no true such-and-such, or that the only true such-and-such is so-and-so, are generally indicative of severe narrow-mindedness. Even worse than that, voicing them in a social context is bad for the community as a whole.

To make it even more plain, in case someone failed to understand, the reason why we do BDSM is because we are perverts, and that’s what floats our boat; it is not because of some stuck up notion such as male superiority or female superiority. Attempts to justify one’s kink as anything but a perversion, by associating it with some supposedly natural tendency, are patently stupid from square one, because they are tantamount to suggesting that all other kinks are unnatural.

I find BDSM to be an essential spice of life, and I hear it calling my name, but I am also perfectly capable of living a more or less normal life enjoying mostly vanilla sex. I don’t have the time, nor the interest, to live the so-called 24/7 BDSM lifestyle, because I also happen to have other interests in life, and frankly, I do not find it fulfilling enough to be consumed with an activity which a) only caters to the senses and b) is largely non-social. Of course, I am not judging anyone here; I am just stating my preferences. If the 24/7 lifestyle appeals to you, that’s wonderful and praiseworthy. But as a 24/7 partner, I would probably come across as rather uninvolved, and bore you silly. (How would you like being chained to the kitchen sink and being _literally_ forgotten there?)

I find a considerable part of the iconography of BDSM highly stimulating, in contrast to vanilla iconography, which leaves me indifferent or makes me yawn. However, I must also say that I find a great deal of the BDSM iconography to be of bad taste, and an alarmingly high percentage of it actually makes me want to puke. Of the three words that constitute the “Safe, Sane and Consensual” motto, I think the one understood the least is the “Sane” part. Again, I am not passing judgment here: whatever floats your boat, as long as you are not harming anyone, but I hope you won’t mind if I just look the other way, okay?

On elitism

Originally posted here: https://fetlife.com/users/624588/posts/3190573

I am an elitist, and not a single day goes by without the whole world giving me plenty of good reasons for continuing to be this way. Please do not confuse “elitist” with “snob”: one is an outlook, the other is an attitude. My attitude is anything but snob.

As an example of why I am an elitist let me remind you of the recent referendum which was asking the people of Ireland whether homosexuals should have the right to marry. Luckily, the outcome of the vote was an overwhelming “yes”, but in a more backwards country, like Greece, or even in a previous decade in Ireland, the outcome would not have been a “yes”. So, my problem with the referendum is this: why should the majority ever be asked whether a minority should enjoy a human right? Humanity is still at such a stage of infancy that the majorities of most countries, if asked, and out of pure whim, would not make the fair and decent decision regarding the human rights of minorities. Therefore, the human rights of minorities need to be looked after by decent human beings in positions of power, not by holding public polls.

It is kind of an awkward moment when you realize that this is elitism. I do not enjoy being an elitist; I just arrive at it as an inescapable conclusion.